Wednesday, January 11, 2017

When I was in Nepal…

…I was blessed by a lama. 

It was a lovely little ceremony in an ornate temple before I embarked upon my journey to Annapurna Base Camp in the Himalayas.  It was meant to be a good luck charm.  A simple blessing for a safe journey. 

It was a thin piece of yellow string that the lama tied around my neck and then he said a little prayer. 

I loved it.  I still do. 

That was in November of 2013.  Now it is January 2017 and I just took it off.

For the fist time. 

I’m not entirely sure why.  It was a blessing after all, why would I remove that? 

But it felt like time. 

While I was there, in Nepal, hiking in the Himalayas, I have this one very specific memory.  I was trudging up this steep, stone stairway (there were lots of those).  I had just applied for grad school when I left and was contemplating (and admittedly stressing about) what I was going to do if I didn’t get in.  Then this thought occurred to me. 

What if I do, actually get in?

That was almost more terrifying. 

And, well, I got in.  I went to anesthesia school.  And as I have said before…

…it sucked. 

They say it’s the hardest thing you will ever do in your life.  I think they are right.  Of course there are worse things that can happen to you, I’ve witnessed a few in fact.  And also, of course no one exactly held a gun to my head and made me do it.  So don’t feel sorry for me. 

But still…

It was 27 months of my life.  And now it is over.  What seems to have started with that realization in Nepal, when the possibility first seemed real and frightening, that was the beginning. 

And now that journey is complete. 

So maybe that’s why I removed that little memory.  I put it in a new memory.  A small jar, a
“dresser jar” that belonged to my husband’s great grandmother.  My husband gave it to me on my birthday, and inside was his late mothers wedding ring…he gave it to me as he proposed.  So that little jar is sort of a symbol of the next chapter.  So I put the last chapter inside of it. 

Does that make sense? 

Sunday, January 8, 2017

I'm feeling inspired

I’m feeling inspired. 

Picked up Lidia Yuknavitch’s book The Chronology of Water and 112 pages in I am utterly blown away.  Her story.  Her language. 

So inspired that I’m feeling like writing again.  Little stories from here and there.  Musings. 

Where to begin? 

It’s late (or early depending on your point of view) and my brain is admittedly addled by a bit of alcohol and  Benadryl to help my stuffy nose and me sleep. 

So what to write about?

I think it was SARK who wrote about creating.  Just do it.  Every day.  I had a painting professor in art school say the same thing.  He kept a studio, away from his home and he would go there every day.  Get up.  Go to the studio.  Make a pot of coffee.  Read the paper.  Maybe paint.  Maybe stretch some canvases.  Have lunch with his wife (another painter who preferred to work at night) and head back to the studio to paint…or whatever. 

So maybe that is what it’s time to do.  Use my new found freedom to create something.  Not sure that it will be worthwhile but Hell, why not say what I have to say? Random little stories and musings.  Why not? 

2:59 am

2:59am.  The first day of the rest of my life.  Or so they say.  This is the end of a long, arduous road.  I passed my NBCRNA after 27 months of grueling study and countless hours of demoralizing practice.  Learning.  Facing fears.  Putting people to sleep.  Numbing them to the pain and physical insult of surgery. 

It sucked. 

Twenty-seven months followed by over six weeks of fretting over passing my boards.  And studying. Well, yesterday I did that.  Passed.  That little piece of paper that said that one precious word: PASS.  And so this chapter comes to an end.  I contacted a professor to share the good new and she said “welcome to the rest of your life.” 

So here I am. 

I get my life back.  And the fist thing I feel compelled to do is write.  And with that comes the tears.  And sadness that I didn’t have the wherewithal to do so during my journey.  But I just couldn’t.  It was too close. 

So, now here I am…its 3:05 now and my kitten is perplexed by my wakefulness at this ungodly hour.  But this is how it goes from here. 

New chapter. 

I’m moving home but not.  Spokane.  A new place amid a familiar field.  The Northwest.  But east of the Cascades.  East of what everyone knows as Washington.  Dryer.  But holding its own beauty and potential. 

I recently married a man that I love.  And inherited his child.  And then there is the little muppet of a dog and the aforementioned kitten.  One big, happy family. 


A new chapter.